Do you ever think about how the patterns of your life dictate success or failure? Patterns are repeated ways of acting, reacting, or responding to specific situations. For example, a pattern of being early or late for meetings can determine a promotion at work. A pattern of being grateful can attract more good into your life.
Patterns in marriage aren’t different. Your marriage patterns matter more than you may realize.
Do You Know Your Patterns?
Patterns are mostly unavoidable in any area of life. They often happen without thinking about them.
In marriage, like in life, positive patterns support your relationship. Positive patterns are like WD40 for your relationship. They make things work better. Positive patterns aren’t what gets your marriage in trouble. It’s the other patterns that do.
When Joseph and I got married the first time, we did what most couples do. We created our own marriage patterns, mostly by accident. Some were positive patterns (like always kissing each other goodnight). Some were not.
Back then, when Joseph and I had an argument and it got heated, Joseph would walk out the door. I didn’t know where he went, but angry driving is always dangerous. So I would worry until he came home and, when he eventually showed up, I was angrier than when he left, and we didn’t talk to each other. As a result, not only did the problem not get resolved, but each time the problem got new layers of anger and resentment wrapped around it.
The thing with patterns is that they are repeated sequences (“when I do this, s/he always does that”), so there’s a predictability about patterns. If the pattern is that every time you talk about a certain problem [money, in-laws, friends, chores, bad behaviors, etc.], s/he always blows up and you have a fight, you know how it will end. As a result, you are likely to avoid the problem – until it gets so bad that you have to deal with it, blow-up or not, and somebody usually walks away angry. In the end, the process tears away at the fabric of your marriage. It happens over and over until all you have left is a relationship in tatters.
So, what can you do? Here are three quick steps to shift destructive patterns:
- Identify the pattern. “Have you noticed that every time we talk about money, we end up in a huge argument?”
- Express your feelings about it. “When we have that argument, I feel…[stupid, hurt, unheard, etc.]. How does it make you feel?”
- Create an agreed on “pattern interrupt”. For Joseph and me, our pattern interrupt is when one of us says something like “I think we got off-track. Can we start over?” Or, “wait a second, I need a five-minute break.”
Those three steps will put some space between you and the problem. That space will help you think a little more clearly. You’ll have a better shot at creating a sensible solution, without harming your marriage.
Then What?
In The Five-Year Marriage 2nd Edition: Secrets, Tools, and Strategies for Reimagining Marriage So it Works For You, I give you the formula for creating family meetings. Those are scheduled times to talk about the stuff that needs to be done. They facilitate a style of communication that will work for you. The Family Meeting is a positive behavioral pattern that will help you to stay on track together. Also, if you need extra help, like a piece of counseling, Family Meetings will help you get to that realization sooner – and before you destroy what is good about you as a couple.
Try it. You can give yourself and your marriage a spring renewal this year. Your own Family Meeting will create a positive pattern that will refresh and reset your relationship.
